A Letter to My Abuser

To my abuser, 

I guess what made me an easy target for you was my kindness. You used it as a weapon against me. You saw my ability to forgive you as a motive to keep terrorizing, abusing, and manipulating me. But now you can’t get remotely close to seeing all the characteristics that make me a wonderful, beautiful, strong, and decent human being. I finally had the courage to leave you, unfortunately much later than I should have. But this is what I have to say to you now that I can finally think with a clear mind.

I went against everything I stood for, everything I believed in; just to try to justify your verbal, psychological, and physical abuse. I used to question my every move. Am I saying the right thing? Should I tell you that? I can't say that or you might get angry and who knows what horrible words you'd say to me. I used to cry myself to sleep at night with pain in my chest. Sure, your words stabbed me like knives but maybe I was just being too sensitive or weak. I should just wake up the next morning and pretend that your words hadn’t hurt me because I knew you wouldn’t care. You would always laugh at me and tell me that my tears meant nothing to you.

The words you’ve said and the psychological damage you’ve caused have never left my mind. You think that once you forget that I should? I don’t. You say you would never hurt me…remember when you came after me with a knife? I do. When you pulled my hair out and broke my glasses? I do. When you slapped me so hard I couldn’t hear for days? I do. The numerous times you choked me unconscious? I do. When you gave me a black eye? I do. When you’d say you couldn’t wait until the day my parents died so you could spit on their graves? I do. Harassing me through text messages CONSTANTLY? I do. The numerous times you stalked me? I do. These are only a few of the things you claim not to remember. I remember everything and always will. 

I remember always thinking that your behavior wasn't right. That putting me and my family down was an act of hatred. That getting an upset stomach when I saw you was not normal. I knew in the back of my mind that you were no good for me. I’ve known that for a very long time. In fact I recently read my journal from 1997 and I knew it way back then. My counselor once asked what I missed about you and I said, “Nothing, there is absolutely nothing I miss about him.”

I tried to leave you so many times during the 30 years we were together but you’d chase me down or block me in. I began to think it was impossible to leave you; turns out, it wasn’t. You convinced me for years that I couldn't live my life without you; turns out, I can. Once you spewed your evil words on me you expected me to act like things were fine. It did not reverse the psychological damage you caused over and over and over again. Moving on is exactly what I needed. Moving on was the only thing that made me feel better, happy, and alive again. You think I can’t look at you because I’m embarrassed? No, you’re wrong! I have nothing to be embarrassed about. I don’t look at you because you are behind me and I look ahead because I’m moving forward not back.

Sadly, once you couldn’t manipulate me anymore you began stalking and harassing me and hurting our daughter with your vicious words. You ask, “What kind of person does that to their father?” I ask what kind of person does that to their only child, their daughter. I say a person who is deeply disturbed. You were the victim of verbal and physical abuse as a child and witnessed lots of physical abuse and you continued that cycle. Well, I’m breaking that cycle. I won’t allow you to abuse me any longer and our daughter won’t allow it either. We are not whores like you call us all the time. I will support her because she is a warrior! She is a beautiful, smart, tough girl who can make her own choices and her own decisions despite what you might think.

Photo Credit: Connie Daigle

It took me years of planning and preparing to walk away from you. I’m not afraid. I lifted the weight off of my shoulders and finally had the courage to walk away. I feel free. I feel calm. I feel like a warrior! It's time to stop letting you hurt and terrorize me and our daughter and for us to start healing.

I hope one day you will grow up and see that your words and actions do hurt. Your psychological and physical abuse caused scars on my mind and my heart. 

I truly hope and pray that you seek counseling not only for yourself but for our children and the healthy relationship you can build with them.