Why Keeping THE PEACE is ruining YOUR PEACE

Before Jesus left his “tribe” behind on earth, they were scared to be here without Him… so He left a part of himself behind for them, 

“peace I leave you, MY peace I give to you… not as the world gives… is what I give you. 

Do not let your heart be troubled or afraid.”

ALERT! If you are currently pissed off at God, or maybe you don’t even believe this invisible person exists… please don’t stop reading yet. Yes, this is a blog post written by a survivor with a faith-based perspective, but I promise you’ll be glad that you kept reading.

You see, the concept of peace is not centralized to a faith-based lifestyle. It is a global concept. Everyone wants it. The question is, what are we willing to do to get it and what are we willing to do to keep it? And how does this relate to domestic violence?

Personal experience has taught me that peace is a concept that can keep victims trapped in their abusive relationships. While still victims, we will do most anything “just to keep the peace.” Why? Because when things are peaceful, we feel safe(er). 

It is a coping mechanism that we have used to survive. It may have worked for us, but we must ask ourselves, has it served us well? Maybe sometimes it has. But what is it costing us?

I am living proof that the cost of just keeping THE PEACE is costing you your health, your sanity, YOUR PEACE. 

We have been conditioned to know exactly what the abuser expects of us and how to keep him satisfied. It is our way of having some sort of perceived control over our own lives when in fact we have little to none.

For me, keeping THE PEACE extended for eight long years past physical separation from my abusive marriage. How does this look you might ask? 

Keeping THE PEACE instead of keeping MY PEACE allowed him to continue to manipulate and control me. Constantly changing the visitation schedule and times. Allowing him to claim the kids on taxes even when he was behind in child support. The list goes on. He asked or demanded and I complied, just to keep THE PEACE.

On the flip side of this coin, I totally get the reality that by keeping him happy, I felt that I was keeping my children safe(er) when in his care. I knew that when he was mad at me it affected his entire being and he would take his frustration out on our children. Any little stress sent him over the edge. If he was happy, he was really happy and the kids were safe(er) in his care. 

Here’s the problem… I was boiling inside. And while I was boiling inside, he was gloating inside and chuckling about how much control he still had over me. 

This is a VERY REAL aspect of co-parenting with an abusive ex-partner. I will not deny that fact. In Louisiana, our lawmakers recognize and have made it part of the Post Separation Family Violence Relief Act that abuse continues through the children. 

“The legislature further finds that the problems of family violence do not necessarily cease when the victimized family is legally separated or divorced.  In fact, the violence often escalates, and child custody and visitation become the new forum for the continuation of the abuse.  Because current laws relative to child custody and visitation are based on an assumption that even divorcing parents are in relatively equal positions of power, and that such parents act in the children's best interest, these laws often work against the protection of the children and the abused spouse in families with a history of family violence.  Consequently, laws designed to act in the children's best interest may actually effect a contrary result due to the unique dynamics of family violence."

Considering the above as fact, there is a unique balance that must take place between keeping THE PEACE and keeping YOUR PEACE. So how do we decide? Here are the questions to ask yourself, “What brings me THE MOST peace? What does that look like in my particular set of circumstances?” DO THAT THING. You are the best judge of your own life. Trust yourself.

Live your life without regrets as much as possible. Do you want to know what I regret? I regret not using my voice and not standing up for my children sooner than I did. Why did it take me so long? Because I was scared and I wanted so desperately to keep THE PEACE. After years of constant fighting while in the marriage, I craved peace so badly. But I still wasn’t completely AT PEACE. Why? Because I had given up MY PEACE to keep THE PEACE. 

Do you know what that boils down to? One word: M A N I P U L A T I O N!!!!

I had been conditioned and he had been rewarded. I was feeding the cycle, and the cycle had to be interrupted. 

Was it hard? You bet! It was the. Hardest. Thing. I’ve. Ever. Done. In. my. Life!

But do you want to know what I found when I finally jumped off the hamster wheel?

I FOUND MY PEACE! Being a faith-based individual, I wholeheartedly know that MY PEACE was a gift left to me by Jesus himself. Imagine receiving a gift and then handing it over to a toxic person in your life to enjoy instead of enjoying it yourself while that person teases you with it. Our gifts were meant to be enjoyed.

I found my peace…. You can too!

***Disclaimer: Vacillating between keeping THE PEACE and keeping YOUR PEACE is a very personal and sometimes tricky matter. It can depend on the circumstance and what stage you are in. I am in no way advocating that you should do something to upset perceived peace if it truly puts you or your children in more danger. I am certainly not shaming anyone for keeping THE PEACE while forsaking YOUR PEACE. The purpose of this blog entry is to cause you to think about your own needs and to consider reclaiming a portion of your life, one decision and one step at a time. The hard truth of life as a victim or survivor of domestic violence is that each move we make is compared to a chess match. We live with the anticipation of what he will do in response. It is moves and counter-moves. We would be fools to choose to disregard this fact. If you want to begin to tip the scales toward YOUR PEACE, please do so under the supervision and advice of your advocate and/or your inner circle of trusted people. 

Above all, take care and be safe. 

Much love,

~Brandie