Brandie's Story, Part 2

(This piece is a continuation of part 1 of my story originally uploaded to the VOICES of Acadiana blog site on September 1, 2019.)

I wish that I could say that leaving was easy.        It was not.

I wish that I could say that staying away was without turmoil.      It was not.

I quickly learned a well-known fact in the world of domestic violence: the most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she leaves the relationship.

During the first two years after leaving,

·       He stalked me 

·       He threatened me

·       He damaged property

·       He controlled me through the children

·       He harassed me by telephone and text  

·       He forced his way into my home

·       He threatened suicide  

·       He threatened homicide

·       He pretended to call a hit man named “Ike” to ‘take care’ of me and my attorney

During that time, I told the people in my inner circle that if anything happened to me, HE did it.

In October of 2011, I finally got a restraining order against him when my co-worker texted me during my lunchtime therapy session with my counselor to say that he was sitting in his company truck down the street from my counselor’s office. I was so scared that my counselor called the police, and they came and escorted me back to my office. He crossed us on the way to my office. The police took my statement at my office and encouraged me to get a protective order asap. They had called him into the station for questioning and advised me that it would be the perfect time to have him served so they could fully explain what a protective order meant.

That finally seemed to sway the tide of control to my side. That is, except for the fact that in between the time that he was served with the temporary protective order and the mandatory hearing, he put a severed pig’s leg in my 2-year old twin boys’ diaper bag with a note saying that the boys wanted it for a souvenir. The pig’s leg was his display of deviance.

And even though he would continually violate the order, I was still unwilling to effectively enforce the consequences. I felt bad for him.

By the time charges would finally make it from the police to the District Attorney’s Office, it was months after the violation of the order or the stalking incident or the telephone harassment. He and I would be in a period of ‘peace’, which I did not want to be disturbed. He still had my kids overnight once or twice a week and I knew that if he was happy, then the kids were safe. I dropped all charges.

At this time, he became involved with a woman named Carmen. They went away on a beach trip the weekend after our divorce was finalized in September of 2011. She became pregnant, which I am quite certain was not any part of his plans.

They got married in December of 2011. After only four months, she moved out of their home in April of 2012 with police protection and immediately filed for divorce. She reached out to me in June following the birth of their son. She wanted her son to know his sister and brothers. So did I.

Carmen shared that he had been heavily verbally and emotionally abusive. He could not stand her snoring due to her pregnancy, so he made her sleep on the sofa. She knew enough about domestic violence from a previous relationship that the verbal abuse would eventually lead to physical abuse if she stayed. So she left.

Enter Stacey in April of 2012. Short courtship and quick cohabitation. They were married on July 13, 2013, which was the one year anniversary of my marriage to my current husband.

Each new relationship brought me a period of peace. He had a new object of his obsession. I believed he had changed, until Stacey reached out to me. She sent me a text one morning while I was bringing my daughter to school asking that I call her. When we spoke, the first question out of her mouth was, “Has he ever hit you?”

That marriage was also short lived. They split up on Christmas Eve that year. Stacey had a harder time making a clean break. She still loved him, and she thought she could fix him.

Enter girlfriends… exit girlfriends… they were always ‘crazy’ according to him.

Enter Anna in 2014. On Facebook, they were the perfect couple. They always looked so polished and prestigious. He was constantly declaring his love for her and calling her his ‘Queen’. They were always in the best restaurants and attending the best parties.

They were engaged during a lavish tropical vacation. There wasn’t anything he seemed to spare for her. He declared that he had crafted her a one of a kind engagement ring… all while he was in periods of unemployment and sinking farther and farther behind in child support payments.

As long as I did not speak up for myself, I kept the ‘peace’. Inside, I was sacrificing MY PEACE.

How dare I challenge his lifestyle? So there we were, appearing to successfully co-parent… appearing to others to be ‘friends’.

And then the dam broke…

I heard multiple stories of abusive incidents that had taken place between he and Anna. I had been praying for an opportunity to look her in the eyes and tell her the only phrases that God had released me to speak to her. “You deserve better. You deserve to be happy.”

In April of 2018, God ordained that opportunity. I looked her in the eyes and uttered those two sentences, and the floodgates opened up. She shared with me incidents of violence and that although they were engaged, that she was not planning to follow through with the marriage. She was making her exit plan.

I never imagined that she would be calling me the very next day. She told him she would need to extend the wedding date and he was in a fit of rage. He had threatened her and was at her place of business screaming and banging on the windows and doors. She and her assistant went into safety mode. They locked the doors, turned off the lights, and crawled on their hands and knees under their desks until he left.

Fearing for her life, Anna obtained a temporary protective order against him. She called upon the three ex-wives to testify in court about the past histories of abuse in support of her petition for the protective order. At first I said no. Then I realized that this was my ‘rise up’ moment.

Photo Credit: Connie Daigle

We came together, as the Fab Four, to take a stand against him. I was full of fear, but I was even more fearful of doing nothing.

The year of 2018 was pivotal for me.

Seeing that the level of his violence had increased with each woman, and had extended to our three children, I knew that it was time to use my voice to protect them.

In the process, I reclaimed my life and reclaimed my freedom.

Through the services of the Family Justice Center, I obtained emergency ex-parte’ sole custody of my children. In July of 2018, I was granted permanent sole custody under Louisiana’s Post Separation Family Violence Relief Act. We were all granted permanent protective orders against my ex-husband. He was ordered into the family violence intervention program. My children get to see their dad in the safety of a supervised visitation center.

One of the most difficult and terrifying things that I have ever done was sit just feet across from him in the Hearing Officer’s office, giving testimony about the family violence that my children and I endured at his hands since 2010. After testifying, I had to sit out in the hallway with him while our attorneys argued our cases with the Hearing Officer.

I finally understood that I really did what was best for my children. They are my life, my mission and my reason for every breath that I take. I will do everything in my power to stop the statistical generational transfer of abusive behaviors to them.

After witnessing the tragedy, pain and utter chaos of not only myself and my children, but his second wife and his child with her, his third wife, and his ex-fiancee’, what has ignited within me is a fiery passion to eradicate domestic violence.

I’ve had this quote on my computer for years, “You are made for the place where your real passion meets compassion because there lies your real purpose.”

Eradicating Domestic Violence is my passion, which has led me to my purpose as Systems Change Chair for VOICES of Acadiana.  

Instead of being swallowed up by my experience, I am bursting forth and using my voice to break the silence surrounding domestic violence.

Before I found my voice, I used to write about domestic violence. In October of 2017, I wrote an essay entitled, “The Use of Media as a Tool in the Fight Against Domestic Violence”. I often begin my essays with quotes. At that time, I was too ashamed and still too afraid to claim the quote as my own, so rather than cite the proper author, I chose to remain ‘Anonymous’.

“The beginning of the end was set in motion that autumn night as I stood in our bathroom staring into a cocked and loaded .38 special in the hands of my husband of ten years; the father of my cherub-faced daughter asleep in her bedroom only two rooms over. Oblivious to the fact that I was actually in an abusive marriage, I would stay for another five years and another two children before waking up to the life I was always meant to live.”  ~Anonymous

I am ‘Anonymous’ No More!

My name is Brandie Stelly and I survived domestic violence. I am using my voice to break the silence. I am speaking up and speaking out to inspire others, to help other women, and to speak for those who have not found their own voices yet.

I will be your voice.

Photo Credit: Connie Daigle