Chantelle’s Story

 My personal journey through mental, emotional, and physical abuse began in 1999, one week before the big day. We shall call him J. We had a fight and he threw me against a wall and put his hands around my neck (never saw that coming). 

Soon after the wedding, we were pregnant. Life went on without any other problems until I had baby C. You see I already had a son that was handicapped and J seemed to be the perfect father. Baby C came along and J acted like I was a burden because I needed his help caring for two children. 

Years later the mind games began. I could spend only a certain amount on groceries, gas for my vehicle, and paying the bills. He watched the bank account like a hawk. He watched the phone records. He took my friends from me. He was jealous when I tried to go back to school. He didn’t want me to be able to care for myself. It was either him or school and I knew I could not survive without him. Or so I thought. 

In 2005, J was in an accident and couldn’t work. Who was there to care for him? Me! Picking up the pieces of his life! What a fool I was. During that time, he drug me through the works. I threatened to leave him and he said no one would want me. The blame game.

His words became harsher and the isolation from my friends and family got worse. His words cut like razors and soon my son would start acting and talking to me like J did. What have I done to my baby? I still hear the words echo in my head. Who was this person?

Supper was expected the minute he got home and his clothes and towels by the shower. What have I become, his wife or his maid? My mind was racing with thoughts. I started to make a plan. I couldn't tell my parents. They wouldn’t understand. I could save money. But how? He knew of all of our finances. Or did he? 

The plan…Get the hell out Chantelle Renee I remember saying to myself. It took me a year but I came up with a plan that I thought could work. He had no clue but little by little I saved money. He was still home demanding that I do this or that. I felt like a bird trapped in a cage. I walked on eggshells just waiting for the next harsh words. 

The damage was done and my friends no longer came around. I felt trapped. Then things started to get messy. I told him I wanted a separation but he said that wasn’t going to happen. He signed divorce papers without even realizing what they were. The thought of him touching me made me sick. The sound of his voice made me cringe. How could I have had a child with this man? I felt like I was one step closer to being free from J. I immediately went to the bank and cleared out half of our savings and checking accounts. 

For three years, my life was a living hell. The night it all went down, he came to drop the kids off. I noticed a change in his weight. He went from being overweight to becoming more active to lose weight. That was the first sign that he probably had girlfriends. I went outside to talk to him because he was trying to take things off the property. I asked him to put it back. This is a night I relive over and over again. His phone begins to ring and I go to grab it. I knew it was the girl I suspected. He grabbed the phone out of my hand, wrapped his arms around my wrists, and began to twist and turn them. “Let me go!”, I scream. “You’re hurting me.” My arms are red and start to bruise. He let me go and threw me down. I knew the kids were inside the house. I go after him telling him that he couldn’t treat me like this. He pushed me inside the door frame of his truck and shut the door on me repeatedly. I’m pinned and finally break free and we begin to fight. I am on the ground and he is on top of me. He has my arms and I’m screaming. All of a sudden my right arm is free. I strike him in an effort to break free. I realized I cut his eye. He got in his truck and left. I’m sobbing and know now that I will have to tell my parents everything. 

The police are called. My arms hurt and I can still feel them stinging. Mentally I’m a wreck and screaming on the inside. Thanks to my dad, the police patrolled all night. My friend comes over and begins crying along with me asking “what did he do?”. The embarrassing part was the next morning when I went to the police station. The chief sees me and although it’s hot outside, I have a cardigan on. He asks me to take it off and says, “Oh my God. Does your father know?” I had to go into the bathroom with a female officer to take pictures of my naked, bruised body. The chief files charges, they bring him in for questioning, and arrest him.-

That night made me sick. I would dream about screaming out and for weeks I was not myself. I needed help. We filed a restraining order but that didn't keep him away. He followed me and the kids and showed up at the house. We filed a no-contact order and things started to get heated.

My son started going to counseling. The counselor said that he had something to tell me. “Dad hit Bubba”, he said. My heart dropped to the floor and I became sick. I told my son that it’s ok and I excused myself, ran to the bathroom, and sat on the ground. I started to hurt everywhere. Why would he hit him? He can’t even speak! Bubba didn’t want to go to J’s house and I didn’t know why.  As a parent, I felt horrible. I should have known! I dried my tears, walked into that office, and said, “You need to find him before I do!” C didn’t want to see his dad after that. 

I fought many court battles about my kids not visiting him after that. They always seemed to blame me. I had no faith in our judicial system. This went on for what seemed like forever. J admitted to coming into the house at night and watching me sleep. I was being watched, stalked, followed, and humiliated by this so-called man. What made this worse is that his girlfriend had the same name as me and was from the same town. 

He lost his kids because of her and what he did to us. All the pain, the nightmares, and endless hours of therapy. I could have just stayed and survived but I knew I couldn’t do that. My two boys hurt the most from this. They lost their dad and their family. I was the one who was picking up all the pieces. I went back to school, got a job, and worked hard to pay my bills. I went to every single sporting event that my son was in, all the while turning green when I saw J. 

For years I looked over my shoulder in fear of him. He would wait for my son and hide after football games. The coaches got involved and would walk my son to the locker room after games. For years, I watched my son become a man. A man that could now stand up to J. It almost came to that point one day. My children have not spent a day with this man in seven years and that is their choice. 

I still seek counsel and take meds to reduce my anxiety. I have PTSD now and always will. I still have nightmares. In the end, I know that even though leaving was hard, it was the right thing to do. You must have the courage and strength to do so. I will never let a man define who I am ever again in my life! I have my friends and family back. It’s nice when people say I’m the girl they all knew in high school. I’m back, I’m bruised, and I’m scarred.  But no relationship is worth what we went through no matter what. My kids are grown and are thriving in life. I’m thriving. I’m healthy and I thank GOD he gave me the strength to get back on my feet. Will I ever forget the pain? No, but I know I can live with it and learn from it. I can move on and tell my story. I can help others. My wings are full now and I am ready to fly. Never let someone stop you from becoming you. Although my heart still hurts when my past is brought up, I know I will get past it. I have survived the most horrific times in my children’s and I’s lives and there is no looking back…..

I fought so hard to come back from the damage. They trashed my name and talked about me and my family. He had the marriage annulled which meant we were never married. I fought that. Every day was a fight. How can a person with this abusive behavior sit in a pew on Sunday? All those years he stole from me! The young girl whose parents raised her to be independent and never deal with anyone that doesn't respect me. What happened to me? Why did I allow all of this to happen? He told me that our marriage meant nothing to him. Our children did not live in a loving home and he married me because he felt sorry for the child I already had. He never loved me. His plan was to leave when baby C graduated. Why wait? His words echo through my entire body. His words hurt like hell! Through all of this mess, I found myself. I learned self-love, became strong, and learned lessons. I am enough, I am beautiful, and I am loved. He may have tried to break and bury my spirit. But I rose. I rose like a flame! I share my story with all of you in hopes that my story will help, encourage, and give someone else hope. Even on my worst day, I am still the person I once was and the person I have become.